Friday, 25 November 2016

Because I can't write and other Irrational Behaviour


I can't write.  My inner voice reinforces this. "You are not a writer - you 'know' your spelling is shocking and you've often been told that your English Grammar is terrible!"

I love coffee shops.
I love even more those Indie American coffee shops, where reading the books that line the walls is allowed and actively encouraged!
I love sitting alone in a coffee shop, as I am now, detached from my daily life, from any form of routine and free to let my thoughts wander.

So here I sit at 9.30a.m. on a Friday morning and I am almost wracked with guilt at the facts that; whilst the working world is hard at it - busy absorbing their portion of crap from middle management, whilst all the stay at home Mums are busy cleaning hair out of the plughole, whilst my thoughtful, hardworking, loving, accommodating husband is busy earning a crust so that we can just about pay the bills, I am sitting here drinking a Latte and indulgently tucking into an Almond Croissant. It is not just the croissant that is an indulgence, my husband is honouring the Artist in me by enabling me to spend time trying to find my path in life (let's hope I hurry up and find it!).

I'd love to write and have a vehicle with which to get out of my head the contusion of thoughts and disparities in and on life.  To put onto paper my observations and all those contradictions I wrestle with daily, which make me feel like a rank outsider and an 'also ran'. One who looks in on a society that frankly I often don't understand and on people with whom I feel that I have little natural affinity. In the words of that great philosopher of the airwaves, Terry Wogan, "Is it me?".
But I am starting to realise that I have been conditioned into being out of step with the world along with the fact that I don't have the ability to write.

I remember as if it were yesterday being humiliated, aged 12, in front of the whole class by my English Teacher for not completing my homework.  I hated the belittling experience of being coerced into playing Scrabble, only to struggle and lose, and be told that I can't make proper "long" words. Apparently, I am incapable of forming structured and grammatically correct sentences that any reasonably educated person is able to decipher.  This fact has been communicated to me over and over to this present day.   Therefore, over time, I have assimilated the knowledge that because I can't spell and I have this loose, extremely informal grasp on what constitutes proper English Grammar, my opinions, therefore, are also invalid.

One of my parents looked at my O Level and GCSE results (that dates me) when they had arrived in the post, and announced "Is that it?". The other parent said that "So long as you have done your best" - this felt kinder but to be honest I had absolutely no clue how to achieve 'my best' academically - there was no connection in my mind between what had been happening in the classroom over the past eleven/twelve years and this set of exam results.

I went on to achieve a couple of equally unimpressive 'A' Level results with my ongoing education secured solely by way of a confident Art Portfolio.  I already understood that I couldn't spell and that I was incapable of stringing more than two sentences together in any form of structured essay. Nobody, not my parents or the school, would have dreamed of suggesting that I should take on a third 'A' Level, or that perhaps further study in English might be advantageous. My 'A' Levels were in History of Art and Art in which I respectively bottomed out with a D and an N.... an N, in my most significant subject?  To this day I don't even know what that is!

Maybe I am purging myself and coming clean here because I no longer wish to carry my own sense of failure any longer.  I'm wanting to spread it all out on the table so that I can be seen for what I am. I don't want to feel a fraud anymore and I want to lose that sense of hiding something that is conveyed in the Amy Cuddy TED talk.

But then came the 'freak' grade.  I sat an examination called 'General Paper'.  Apparently it was a bumper certificate in order to achieve a few extra grades on the part of the school - I'm not even sure if it still exists.  We sat this paper with no warning and with no preparation, such were the benefits of a state school education in the 1980s.  Unlike my other written subject, I thoroughly enjoyed sitting the examination.  I had no preconceived ideas, nobody had told me that I could not 'do' this subject.  It was like skiing on pure virgin snow.  I wrote and wrote freely, lucidly and comprehensively.  I felt that my arguments were clear and structured and that my writing was animated, that I had found my voice which was at last being heard.    I achieved an astonishing grade B which for many years stood like a monolith amongst the detritus and wasteland that was my secondary education.

I've gone on to make my way in life by a rather circuitous route.  There are achievements of which I am proud.
My steps to rebuild my academic confidence began with attending evening classes aged 27.  Taking an 'A' Level in English Literature and Language and subsequently gaining a grade A.  I completed every piece of homework that year.  I consumed the six texts we studied with a voracious appetite.  I learned to confidently voice my opinions during those classes. Those opinions were welcomed, acknowledged and validated.
I hardly recognise myself as the person who gained an MA with merit whilst simultaneously working part-time, living in a restoration project house, having a baby and also coping with the death of my father.  During this course I sought to undergo an Educational Psychological Assessment.  I walked away with a name for my frustrations, Dyslexia, and also a judgement that intellectually I sit within the 97th percentile of the population.
My professional capacity has been endorsed with the great privilege of being awarded a significant financial bursary from the Queen Elizabeth Scholarship Trust.  This enabled me to further develop my skill in Printmaking.

Perhaps as a result of being conditioned to believe that I cannot write, or form any coherent or relevant opinion on any given subject, I have developed an intrinsically hostile attitude to bigotry and dogma (Does intolerance of bigotry make me a bigot?).  Inwardly, I challenge everything - but I'm not outwardly hostile.  In my defence I can only offer that I judge and scrutinise myself above and beyond all others, to the detriment of a peaceful mind and in the knowledge that "A life unexamined is not worth living" (Ref 1).

And so I find myself here. Needing to write. Needing to challenge those aspects of life which sit uneasily in my mind.  Needing to communicate my dissatisfaction with certain aspects of society's willingness to tolerate the status quo.  Needing to record my observations. Needing to express my thoughts.
Please excuse me for the presumption that I am able to write!
Please excuse me from feeling entitled to my own voice!



Ref 1
Plato was credited with this quote.  It is referenced as coming from Plato's Apology, which is a recollection of the speech Socrates gave at his trial.  Socrates is attributed with these words after choosing death rather than exile from Athens or a commitment to silence.

“Give me but a firm spot on which to stand, and I shall move the earth.” Archimedes

With my sincere and huge thanks to Waitrose for their coffee and the 'Waitrose Weekend' paper!


Thursday, 15 September 2016

"we dance around in a ring and suppose,
while the secret sits in the middle and knows"

robert frost


t.s. eliot once wrote.....

the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started
and to know the place for the first time

Monday, 8 February 2016

Ullingswick Summer Exhibition

Here a just few images from last summer's exhibition (July 2015) at 'The Crown' at Ullingswick. Roger and Ruth Ellis hosted a summer exhibition in support of funds for repair of the parish church.

It was a beautiful venue and a perfect summer day.  Roger and Ruth with be running Art Courses, beginning summer 2016, please have a look at their website for details http://www.roger-ellis.com/



















Monday, 25 January 2016

images for Luci



I'm pulling together some images for a logo/artwork design for a friend who runs her own gardening business 'Damselfly Garden Design' (website soon to follow - I'll add the link!)... ..

Thursday, 30 April 2015

April Auriculas at Crescent Plants



Today I visited the wonderful collection of Auriculas that are tended by June Poole at Crescent Plants.  I first learned about these plants some years ago and have always wanted to bring them into my work somehow.  Today I went and spent a glorious day drawing in greenhouses full of these beautiful delicate plants.  Every colour and shade you could think of... and to find their correct names and classifications please visit June's site.
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It is possible to order direct from the Crescent Plants website or call and arrange a visit... although April is the best month to see them at their best!  Crescent Plants is located in Marden, North Herefordshire and June also has a stand at the RHS Malvern Spring Garden Show each year.

I couldn't resist buying a few to start my own small collection...  over the weekend we'll be making some kind of a 'auricula theatre' to display them in.







Below is an image of some curtains which June photographed at Berrington Hall near Leominster, a National Trust property.  They are of particular interest as the design contains an image of an Auricula.


Saturday, 25 April 2015

How to 'double-cut' wallpaper...

Just 'one' of this weeks learning steps for me has been into the world of 'splicing' or 'double-cutting' wallpaper.  

The papers that I am hand printing comes with an untrimmed margin.  I have chosen to produce it this way for technical reasons and because this is what appears to be the market norm with hand printed wallpapers. I had no idea how this paper would be trimmed and then hung, until this week!  In my own experiments with hanging the paper, I have hand cut the margins before pasting and then hanging. 
It might have been advantageous for me to research into the technique of hanging untrimmed paper earlier in my business venture, but with so many other things to discover and problems to solve, it is something that I just pushed to the back of my mind.

This week, with my first paper being hung by a professional decorator at The Alma Inn in Linton, Herefordshire, I discovered the techniques which are employed when hanging an untrimmed paper. 

The video below, published by Cliff Hayes at Sutton Innovations, clearly illustrates the process. 



So the work has progressed at The Alma and here are a few pictures from my week in hand printed wallpaper.


The Master Decorator in action doing his magic.  Taking my dream of hand-printed wallpaper and making it a reality!



Decorator's Tool Box .... holding the tools of his trade, the gorgeous wooden box relating the patina of work and time!





















....and earlier in the week... a photo from the studio floor of the roller with the inky image offset!  It looked so beautiful that I couldn't resist stopping to capture the fleeting moment, before it disappeared under more layers of ink.


Thursday, 19 March 2015

Lino Print onto Birch Bark



my growing collection of Ginko Leaves with mono prints of 'honesty' seed pods


            A few weeks ago, at the end of a busy printing day, I had a bit of a play printing onto bark from a tree in the garden.  It's Betula utilis 'Fastigiata' or the Himalayan Birch which loses a layer of bark every now and then.  It peels away like paper and I thought it was time to try printing onto it.  It was a little tricky and messy rolling it through the offset press but I like the effect as a printing surface.







monoprint text with Lino print bee... with too few legs!